I never thought that I would be back online journaling. However, my life is vastly different than it once was when I was a child. I am a submissive and I find myself wanting to plunge into and explore my sexual wants, needs and desires often associated with the community. I just met someone who is also interested in exploring sexuality and it scares me. It scares me because it excites me. The feelings that I Have for him are rather real. The desires that I share with him are rather powerful and my need to want to touch him is a dull ache that never seems to fade.
I will say that this should all be rather complex because said man has an open relationship. Depending on how you define it, it is unconventional but it works for all parties involved and that is really all that matters. When it comes to my ideals though, I had to think long and hard about the fact that I was not bothered by his arrangement; does that say something about me and my morals? Or is it more a representation of the openness that I have always tried to uphold in my life?
Although, a valid question was raised by him. Why now, why the need to take that sexual leap? Quite honestly, that need has always been there. I feel like there has always been a dormant need for sex and sexuality since I was a child. I never had a clue as to what I was doing or what was occurring. All I knew was that it felt good. But, I cannot deny that there has been a void in my life; an emptiness that has yet to be filled.
I keep choosing the wrong men in my life or perhaps I keep choosing the men that can't really promise nor give me anything but who are not upfront about that. Milan and I have an attraction, but I'm like the forbidden fruit. Mark just turned out to be an asshole and I don't forsee myself talking to or reaching out to him anytime soon. However, this thing with this new man is exciting because while he cannot give all of himself to me, I know what he can give me and I am welcome to parts of himself.
It's odd because there are limitations, but I am excited to see just how far I can push those limitations. I feel like I am entering into a world where there is no going back and I don't want to. I'm ready to go full steam ahead to see what happens next.
~smiles
